I crave it. I want to feel it so badly that I attach myself to any sparkling little speck of it.
Lately it has felt like adequacy is a requirement for my life. I signed a contract. With this contract came a book and teaching and bible studies, all of which would require an adequate person, an adequate writer, an adequate teacher; someone worthy of such things....someone worth listening to, worth reading.
And I keep waking up waiting to feel worthy, adequate for this huge task. Begging God to turn my little black and white words into something, something profound, even quotable.
But rather than answering my prayer... it keeps getting worse. The thing that feels most necessary for this task is eluding me despite my praying and waiting and searching.
I am afraid because
I remain unworthy...
I remain inadequate...
and it hurts.
I think how fun it would be to enjoy success, to look out from all of it, like on some float in a parade and smile and wave, secure and confident. “No big deal... I whipped out an awesome book with all my fancy little worthy awesomeness.” Wave wave, pat pat on my back.
No worries... that is not my life.
My life is being fought in trenches of insecurity and fear. And while I have been waiting for God to rescue me out of the trenches, He keeps pushing me deeper into them. Bummer.
He keeps reminding me, “Anything other than desperate dependence on Me is false security. The sense of worthiness you want Jennie, it will not satisfy. It will disappoint and fail you. If I let you think you are something, you will feel safe and happy for a moment. You may even wave and smile but you would be waving from a sinking ship.”
So I am changing my prayer, I do not want to feel worthy. I want to smile from my trenches. I want to humbly sow my seeds in my row on this planet. Content to let life be hard. Content to need God so much it hurts. Content to give God the glory that I desperately seek. Content to allow Him to do something with my nothing, rather than keep trying to be something.
And in heaven I will clearly see that feeling weak and insignificant was always the appropriate position, and any day spent otherwise was the greatest of lies. And at the base of the trench in the deepest darkest place... that is usually when He steps in and hands me what I need, lest I ever think for a minute I deserve a smiley happy float parade. He’s smooth like that.