It's better that way. Numb is good- numb works. It's like that make-believe world we create as kids. Everything always goes how we want it to and always ends with everyone full, happy, smiling, fancy. The more God messes with me- the more I feel like pretending that everything is rosy and God wants nothing from me, or at least not too much- nothing crazy.
If you have been reading my blog- stop. Don't know what I know. Don't know that He wants everything. Don't know that we are at war for God's glory. Don't know that people are dying of things you and I have the power to save them from as I type this sentence and as you read it.
Numb is my pass to do nothing. Numb is my excuse when I get to God. I will say- "I did not realize!" Or "You did not call me." Numb is how I make life work- with that gone... I might have to live. Really really live, down to my guts live- fighting for God's glory kind-of living. Helping hurting people kind-of living. Helping people dying kind-of living,
And it might be hard. Strike that-
And maybe it's what I was made for kind-of hard, the best kind-of hard, the good kind-of hard.
And I might have just watched Chronicles of Narnia- further complicating (or clarifying) this whole issue. And then listening tonight as a woman I have rubbed shoulders with for the last year told me that she has walked through hell and back in her life this year... all the while we sat next to each other as our daughters took gymnastics and we passed each other as we dropped our other daughters off at preschool- hell and back beside me and I never asked- till tonight because I wasn't numb. Dad-gum it. It was awesome.
And if you don't start giving me your thoughts- I am done here. I know you are on here. Discuss with me. My favorite seminary prof always said Theology happens in community. Why do we live numb or do we?