Control versus Humility
In the last few weeks I have had several requests for my studies. Two of those are large churches that have asked if they can take their women through "Stuck" in the fall. Great- right?! But being the complicated, twisted, prone person that I am, I haven't felt great. I've felt afraid and insecure.
Fear # 1. I don't want to be exposed yet! This material is not where it will be. Publishers, editors, smart and creative people will hopefully soon be taking my work and fixing my run-on sentences and showing me why you can't ask adults to draw in a bible studies. :) I would rather large masses of people get it after they make it better- more presentable.
Fear # 2. I am scared to let it all go- hand it off- with no control.
As I shared these 2 reasonable (only in my head) fears to my friend Laura recently, asking what should I do? She responded with this....
"This is not yours. God gave this to you, why would you get to decide how it is used?"
Shot through the heart!
This is not mine to control. She is right- I have never felt I created any of this. The ideas, the titles, the writing, the results were so obviously separate from my abilities, thoughts and control. Anyone that knows me even a little knows this. I am not especially capable when it comes to anything else. I think my mom even wonders how my children are all still alive.
I am not especially good at anything. But every once in awhile God enters and something I barely handled turns into something useful for people. That is not mine. I think if I get published I should have on the bottom of my books authors- Jennie Allen and God. Ha! That might be a little presumptuous- yet I feel I am completely at His mercy. I want Him to sign contracts with me... promise me that He will show up when I have a deadline. Or when I have to speak He will not bail! (cringe- now I am even trying to control God!)
I fall flat without Him.
Falling flat or being useful- God have your way with me and all this.
(As if He were waiting for my permission to have His way- but I am sure He appreciates my sincere gesture.)
I have been reading the spiritual explorations of Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love." And while my God is slightly (terribly) more narrow than hers, I love how she thinks. I love that she agonizingly wrestles and searches in ridiculous ways to understand god and herself. She makes me not feel so weird.
And here she so beautifully captures my heart.
Ok you little creatives out there, what do you think about the source of creativity? What are your experiences?
Or for you non-creatives, what has God given you that you try to control?