Fighting through the Fur Coats
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:7-8
I used to watch people in the limelight of ministry with a little bit of jealousy. They seemed magic- using their gifts- so fulfilled- so happy. They appeared to be honoring God and then as an added bonus, to possess all of our respect and admiration. How rewarding, I thought.
Barely has a limelight shined on me but it has flashed over me, teaching up front, writing now, being a pastor's wife. And big bummer- it is not actually that cool.
I am learning to be thankful for the hard- I know if it were fancy or easy or ego boosting to move forward in these spheres I would just go do it for the applause. I can't help myself, I am just that selfish.
But it is not fancy, easy, or ego- stroking.... so far it has felt like death and not just a clean, swift bullet through the heart kind-of death. No, a slow, drawn out, when is this going to be over, kind-of surgery that you are accidentally awake for, kind-of death. :)
Scrutiny and opinions have already found us. Battling Satan... not really a highlight. And juggling the weight of leading people to God- while trying to pull off godly mom and wife and friend and carpool.... heavy balls to toss around. All this while feeling inadequate.
So today as I read the scripture above me.... I praise God. I praise God that I live a life of thorns that force me to go to find Him, and to find Him, I have to pass through them all and remember my humanity... insecurity and fear and sin.
I feel the thorns when I sit down to pray... like Lucy walking through the fur coats to find Aslan. I rustle through them all, knowing He is on the other side through all this unbelief and fear and selfishness. I wish it were easier. But then again it would cost nothing and mean nothing, and knowing me, I'd go looking for limelights instead of God, if it were easy- if it felt too good.
Don't get me wrong... Zac and I get to talk about God with our lives.... it is the greatest privilege and a lot of days it is crazy fun and yes- even rewarding! But thorns do us all good even though they are a beast... agree?
It makes me really thankful for the people who have stepped up and led and spoken for God in this world- even the seemingly fancy ones I've probably envied, I imagine it is a little lonely and rough and takes a lot of courage. Thank you.