When I’m Unsure of What’s Ahead
“Today I started a scrapbook,” Alex told me excitedly as we sat talking on the phone about God and the future. She had a lot of future ahead. Alex was 19 and a sophomore at the University of Texas. Her blonde ringlets must have bounced as she talked, and I imagined her having an expression and posture similar to a five-year-old asking her mom for a Popsicle.
She went on, “I started a scrapbook today describing all I hope for, so I can picture it. I just started cutting out the things that I want: a white, two-story house; a black Volvo SUV; even a cute husband and a number of cute kids.”
I sat speechless, trying not to laugh. I knew this was a girl who adored God and sincerely knew him. And while I had never known anyone to be so bold as to build an actual scrapbook, I thought to myself, I have one of those. We all have one.
We all have the pictures of our lives in our minds, how they “should be,” how we hope they will be—how we picture them. We collect these pictures in powerful scrapbooks that exist in our heads. We plan it all out:
When we will be married; how many kids we will have; where we will live; how much money we will make; what our jobs will be; what our houses will look like; how our husbands will treat us; the places we will travel; who our friends will be; how our kids will behave; how close our grandkids should live; when we will retire; and what our ministries will be like.
At some point, we realize it doesn’t work that way. We can’t control the actual scrapbooks—the ones reflecting the past rather than the future. But we still long to try to control our lives and to build them to match the pictures of the lives we want.
And letting go? The idea that we would actually hand it all over to God and say,
“Go. Build it. Do whatever you want with all I have” . . . it is terrifying.
What if God has planned any of these as part of the story?
Singleness...struggle...adoption...a difficult husband...infertility...moving from the town we love...an apartment instead of a house...cancer...disapproval...death...dangerous overseas missions...financial hardship?
[Tweet "We seize more of God when he seizes us through our broken dreams."]
It is the fight for control that has us all tied up, while it’s really an illusion anyway. We control because we are afraid of what may happen if we let go. Do we really think we are better captains of our lives than a God who sees everything and deeply loves us?
So we pursue our scrapbook dreams, distracted, too busy to see he’s already with us and has our steps planned. The days and pictures and people he puts in our scrapbooks are seemingly chaotic but perfectly planned.
If we believe the Bible, we must believe that the heart of our unpredictable, sovereign God is good, that he sees us and is for us.
We seize more of God when he seizes us through our broken dreams. He is wildly unpredictable, and learning to question and accept his ways is part of the journey of following an unsafe, invisible God. He calls the shots on what happens to us in this short stint here. He calls them, whether we want to let him or not. Our faith must remain greater than our pain and our fears.
You can read more of this post in Anything: The Prayer that Unlocked My Soul and My God. You can find a copy here!