Pretend Control

I hate this ball. It’s kind of cute and makes Cooper happy but unless you put that ball in a box on a shelf, it will not be controlled. The ball escapes my son’s hand nearly every 5 seconds and causes us both angst, somehow we wind up running through parking lots, risking our lives for this little 25 cent inch of rubber multiple times a day.

I hate things I cannot control.

And honestly, God has been shining big and bright from that category as of late. He’s laughing as I write this because He’s thinking, “FYI... I live in that category, Jennie. I am never in your control.” I know... my theology knows... but my heart doesn’t always.

Because sometimes I want to believe I can control the outcomes of life. I want a formula. I want God to work with formulas.If I have enough faith, obey enough, pray enough then He will move.

Yesterday I got off the phone with a friend whose sister has been fighting brain cancer and no doctors gave her a chance. But against every odd she has rallied and will likely go on to live a long life. I will never forget what my friend said next....

“Jennie, our faith didn’t include crazy healing. We didn’t pray this up- we weren’t brave enough to pray this. God just healed her in spite of us.

And something in me got mad... I wasn’t mad that God healed my friend’s sister, but I was mad that my God can not be manipulated- I got mad that others in my life are praying with seemingly mammoth faith and they aren’t healed. I got mad that such big things feel like His whim.

God- I love you- don’t smite me yet. You’re probably thinking something like...

What is man that I am mindful of you... or who draws a line and tells oceans to stop and stores warehouses of snow...???

YOU DO. I shudder at the thought of your vastness and my smallness.

I just want to voice that I am scared of You sometimes.... and now I want to say:

You still have me. You have me because where else would I go?

I have utterly enslaved myself to you in public and private ways and you have me.

But I do feel like I have strapped myself to this ball and some days that is exciting and some days it is terrifying and I think I may die. But I love you and I know that You love me and that floors me- so I will have faith and obey and pray anyway... not to control You but to be near to You- the God of the Universe.... because I can and that is better than my pretend control.

Have Your way with me. Your kingdom come. Your will be done.

your kingdom come

your kingdom come

What are you wishing you could control right now?