The Art of Looking over Cliffs
It's been a while. I have had so much to say, in fact, I have about 5 half written blog entries sitting in my edit box. But I could not seem to punch publish....
Maybe it's because I am lazily numb with summer.
Or maybe it's because publishers are all over my site lately and you make me nervous. (By the way- Hello, make yourself at home.)
Or maybe it is because I don't know exactly what to say....
if I write now, I would simply be describing what it is like to look over the edge of a cliff, to look over and stare and think about jumping, however not be allowed to jump. And how much, looking over the edge and thinking about jumping, but not jumping stinks, it's scary.
I am a better cliff jumper if I don't look. If I just jump.
But God has seen fit to allow months of gazing over the edge at the unknowns, months to consider the worst possible scenarios, months to wonder if I am sure I want to jump.
Am I sure that He has called us to risk the comfy way our family just fits together, by adding a toddler from a foreign country? Am I sure that on top of that, God wants me to bare my soul and pour my life into communicating the things He has put in me about Him?
These two things were not supposed to both happen. I was supposed to do one, when I told God I would do anything... I really meant one crazy thing..... He could pick whatever He wanted, of course.
But even on the days I think I would rather die than jump, I know the answers. I know mostly because of things like this,
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:25
And I know that if I run from either of these callings, it would be to save my life as I know it. I love my life as I know it.... my normal and simple and sane life.
But down deep, when I am not being shallow, I want more. I want more than normal and simple and sane. I want to find life, the kind of life you only find, if you lose normal and simple and sane.
We are going to jump soon. Everything will change, many things will die, and maybe it will be the easiest thing in the world, but probably it will be the hardest and I will long for normal and simple and sane again.
But this life is meant to be lost. It will be lost whether I try to save it or not. So I may as well hand it over now, while He still could, perhaps, make some good use of it.
As Mary, the mother of Christ, said when God called her to take on a new child and a calling so great none of us can imagine it's weight,
"I am the Lord's servant, May it be to me as you have said."
God, I am your servant, may my life be as you say, whatever you say.
Are you jumping off cliffs, looking over the edge or miles from the edge?