Giving me no warning, tears came fast last night. It was inconvenient, I was just settling into time with a few of the pastors and their families from Austin Stone, our new church. Directly across from me sat Jeff Mangum and his wife. Jeff began describing when their church joined with Stone, all of the details very different but all the feelings resonating. As I listened it became obvious to the entire table, this is not easy for us.
Zac sat a little glazed over, the wounds that accompany years of giving your life to something involving God and people, sitting right on the surface. And then me, before they've barely handed us drinks, they're handing me kleenex.
So what's so difficult right now?
I think it's the feeling of uprootedness. I know God is leading us in every area of our lives. We feel his strength pulling us up out of warm, safe, familiar places and I think we are in the air right now, roots dangling. It's just a vulnerable spot. I see some of where he is taking us and it looks amazing... I just wish we could get there faster.
To add to the year that our entire lives changed, our house is on the market. More roots exposed. We are just moving across town, to simplify in every way, but it feels like another little death.
But I know my vulnerable little soul, we are old friends. My soul likes to dig in and hold on to familiar things, familiar people, familiar places. It clutches on to things that it knows it can't keep.
The line from Ecclesiastes has been haunting my soul lately because what my soul thinks it wants so badly is actually chasing the wind.
The ironic thing about believing in a God and supernatural things, is that the invisible stuff is actually the most trustworthy, the most stable. So the concrete things we can see and touch, they become the wind, they become the things we try to catch and over and over they pass through our fingers and souls, keeping us empty.
So this morning, I am with God at Panera chasing the invisible and he feels like home. He feels familiar and stable and more like concrete than wind. That's just weird and cool.
Our souls are restless until they find their rest in thee. St. Augustine
Are you uprooted?