How to Make Friends and Keep Them
One of the hardest parts of adulthood is finding and keeping friends. Suddenly, making friends is not as easy as it was in college. This is especially difficult when we go through different seasons in our lives. My family and I experienced this first-hand when we moved from Austin to Dallas. So, in our pursuit of new friendships, we took a page out of Paul’s book.
Friendship Through Paul’s Lens
We often have a self-absorbed perception of friendship. We tend to think that friendship is about us rather than other people. However, a healthy friendship starts with the knowledge that we don’t exist for ourselves, that friendship and community are about a mission. Friendship is primarily based on our affection and purpose.
“Paul approached his relationships with grace and positivity.”
While in prison, Paul thanks God for his friend’s partnership in the Gospel. He's thankful to have people in his life who love him and care about him. He’s equally thankful to have people that are on a mission together.
The key to Paul’s friendships was whole-hearted and shared service to God. This is further motivation to prioritize the purposes of God before other people. Paul was amazing at this. He had hope and joy in dire circumstances.
Much of Paul’s hope and joy comes from believing and knowing that there are people on a mission with him. This is such a fulfilling basis for friendship because it’s a huge contrast to the codependent friendships we build when God’s purpose is not at the center.
Embark on a Paul-Inspired Quest for Healthy Love
Paul was stuck in a prison and his first thought was not to vent. He pushed his friends and community forward. That is a marker of a healthy friendship; praying that the people in your life go further than you. Paul didn’t even know if he would go much farther, but he wanted his friends to outrun him. He praises them for how well they love.
We have gotten the main thing wrong in our relationships, and that is loving well. We've got it wrong because we look for people to fulfill us. Rather, we need to understand that God has built community to be a picture of Him, one that requires self-denial.
This picture requires us to love people, even when they disappoint us or disagree with us.
God’s reflection requires a love that is based on the cross. Rather than coming into relationships with hopes of gaining something, we must first look at how we can love our community better. By giving the same love Christ gives to us, we’ll point our friends to His kingdom. That’s a strong foundation for friendship.
Once you’ve built that foundation, you can start making friends in these four simple steps:
Step #1: Join a Club
Most people say they have no community because they don't know how to take the first steps. And honestly, it’s nearly impossible to even prepare. But with the right steps, you can bring new people into your life or deepen friendships you've had for a long time. So, start a new habit that involves others. This could be running, a book club, or any group activity related to your interests.
Step #2: Get Talking
If you’re introverted, the idea of striking a conversation with someone may be terrifying. But you can prepare questions to ask during your first meeting with the club you joined. These don’t need to be deep, just ask random questions. They’re icebreakers that give you a glimpse into who they are. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right questions to ask for each person. With the right questions, you’ll find your people. You will walk out of this season with the most solid, incredible friends.
Step #3: Be Prepared for Rejection
Not everyone will be receptive to your questions. Most people aren’t used to opening up, so they may feel like you’re being intrusive. So, you need to be prepared for a negative response. When you face rejection or get demotivated, find shelter in God because He is our hiding place. Take it as an opportunity to learn to be content with being by yourself.
Step #4: Be Someone Else’s Source of Community
It’s also important to remember that there’ll always be other people you can reach out to, people who do need you. So, reach out to those people. Be that community for other people, even if they are not your peers. Find someone you can mentor and pour into them. That can be a source of your community because we are built to be with people.
You can also reach out to older people who could mentor you. Mentors are a big source of community, and you can be on both sides of the mentorship coin. That's where you get filled up, so you're able to pour into others.
I wish you all the blessings in the world as you pursue new friendships or deepen existing ones. I pray that this season of your life is filled only with the love of God in a community of healthy, happy friendships.
